In the early years of the new millennium, I was working the Friday night shift at Perth’s largest bookstore, A&R. While the job saw me come into contact with the best and worst of Perth’s nightlife, on wet winter nights Perth’s streets were like a morgue. Pub crawlers and club bunnies found it too cold for skimpy dance gear, late night shoppers stayed home, and even the muggers and drug dealers disappeared from the streets. On these nights, A&R was completely empty save the casual staff and the occasional middle-aged woman determined to get her hands on the latest Harlequin Mills & Boon.
On these nights, the casual staff did their best to look busy, especially when Kimberly was managing. A new rival bookstore had opened up the road, offering all the same deals as A&R as well as offering a book café. Combined with the bad weather, A&R barely made money on these nights and the short, frizzy-haired manager stalked the aisles looking the first excuse to send someone home.
In hindsight all of this was understandable, but at the time it caused a certain amount of friction between the casual staff and the manager. For the most apart we tried to find something to work on, and the rule of thumb was “if you don’t have something useful to do; clean.” However as the wet nights rolled on there was only so many times you could restack shelves, sweep the floors or clean the windows.
When the boredom and frustration really began to bite the casuals started to get creative; after hearing Aretha Franklin’s hit “Think” from the “Blues Brothers” movie one too many times over the speakers, Elaine, a physics student and part-time model, jumped out from behind the counter and ripped out the entire movie scene, dance moves and all, and managed to convince the rest of us to join in. It broke the cabin fever but made things a little awkward when a pair of elderly customers wandered in during the final chorus. On a different night, Lana, another casual, challenged me to a high-five competition. Over the course of the shift secret handshake between the feisty arts student and myself grew more complex until the routine involved ducks, jumps, spins, as well as references to Frankenstein, Dracula and The Highlander. The A&R penguin, the overly-large fluffy mascot that generally sat by the stairs separating the ground and lower ground floor, must have also grown bored and mischievous, abandoning its post and turning up at the front counter, the back counter and eventually the storeroom on the uppermost floor.
Kimberly grew more and more irate as the winter slump continued, her long diatribes about casuals “going out and having sex and drugs on weekends” becoming more frequent, and her habit of slamming the small bell at the front counter getting to the point where even the customers would wince. Anton, a burgeoning classical musician, seemed to take inspiration from this, writing a ridiculously tragic soliloquy about a middle-aged woman’s struggle against the counter bell, each accusing line punctuated by ever-louder slams against the tiny metal object. I think I still remember a few lines:
Oh bell!
*Ring*
Does thou mock me, oh bell?
*Ring*
Oh bell, I stab at thee!
*Ring*Ring*Ring*Ring*
Our manager’s assault on defenceless office equipment was finally brought to a close when Dan unscrewed the bell and removed the clapper. I’ll admit it was a revelation to see the look of confusion on Kimberly’s face when the bright ring was replaced with a dull clunk.
Dan, the tall, muscular dance and martial arts student, was the casual staff’s heavyweight champion of pranks on slow winter nights. I’m fairly certain he was responsible for the wandering penguin, and another time, completely straight-faced, he managed to convince Kimberly that Mickey Mouse was secretly a Nazi propaganda plot. However his best moments was when he rang the new rival bookstore.
“Hi, this is Whinter’s Book Cafe, how can I help you?”
“Hi Whinter,” said Dan in an old man’s voice. “I was hoping I could book a table for two tonight. Do you have any seats free by the window?”
“Um, my name’s not – um, I don’t think you can book tables, it’s just for drinking coffee-“
“Yeah, but it’s our anniversary. She’s got a nut allergy, by the way. Is that going to be ok?”
“Uh, sir, we aren’t a restaurant.”
The moment the other book store hung up Dan immediately redialed.
“Hi, this is Whinter’s Book Cafe, how can I help you?”
“Hi, what time is your first showing on?” he asked, putting on a young teenager’s voice.
“What?”
“You have a movie section, don’t you?”
“Well, yes, but-”
“Ok, cool, I’d like to book two tickets to see Kill Bill, do you have and showings after 8:30?”
“This isn’t, uh, I think you’re confused.”
After the exasperated rival book store staff hung up, we waited a minute, then Dan picked up the phone one more time.
“Hi, this is Whinter’s Book Cafe, how can I help you?” came the voice on the other end of the line. “You’re asking about books, right?”
“Of course,” replied Dan innocently. “Why wouldn’t I be?”
“Oh that’s great, we’ve been getting a lot of prank calls tonight. Anyway, how can I help you?”
“Sorry to hear that mate. I just want to know about a book.”
“Which one?”
“Oh, The Secret Life of Bees. Do you have it?”
“Yes, we have a copy right here!” came the relieved reply.
“Great,” answered Dan, “I’ll come in and pick it up. So do you have a set menu or does the chef do special requests? Is there a wine list? Hello? Hello?”
Anton and I collapsed into helpless laughter behind the lower ground counter as Dan grinned and got ready to dial again.
“What are you doing?” came a woman’s voice, and the three of us jerked up guiltily.
“Oh thank God, it’s just you,” I said, looking up to see Denise, the casual staff member standing by the counter with a pile of books.
“We’re, uh, just making a few harmless calls,” said Dan, relaxing a little as the tall, tawny-haired young woman deposited the books on a nearby shelf. “It’s not the sort of thing you’d be interested in.”
“Oh?” replied Denise, raising an eyebrow. “And why is that?”
“Well, you know,” said Dan, suddenly looking uncomfortable. “You don’t have that, um, killer instinct.”
“You’re a really lovely person, Denise,” offered Anton, but stopped when he saw the look in the young woman’s eye.
“You don’t think I can prank you?” asked Denise.
“Well… yeah,” we replied.
“Oh, it’s on,” answered Denise, her usually pleasant smile suddenly cold. Anton and I looked shocked, but Dan just grinned and folded his arms.
“Before the end of the shift then,” he said, and with a nod Denise walked back up the stairs.
A little while later I was resorting the same pile of books, trying to look busy and efficient as two lone customers wandered through the lower ground level of the bookstore. As I sighed and looked around for something else to do, Lana came down with a heavy art book, looking down at the pages in rapt concentration.
“What are you looking at?” I asked, curious. The diminutive arts student looked up at me and smiled.
“An amazing Renaissance painting by Caravaggio,” she said with a smile. “Take a look.”
Intrigued, I took the heavy book and looked down, only to see a smaller, leather-bound photography book slipped inside the pages. Too late, I recognized it as that book – the one we nicknamed “Vampire Blood Porn.”* The page it was open to could have been described as “artistic.”
It could have also been described as “banned in 13 countries.”
( * note: see Tales From A&R, Part 5 – The Forbidden Book )
“Whyyyyy?” I howled, squeezing my eyes shut and dropping the book.
“Actually, the best ones are at the back,” chuckled Lana, picking up the small tome.
“Seriously, Lana? What’s going on?” I spluttered.
“Denise told Elaine and I that a prank war has been declared,” replied the spritely young woman as she walked away. “Looks like I’m already one-up on the boys.”
“This wasn’t supposed to be boys vs girls!” I called after Lana as she sashayed back up the stairs to the ground floor.
“Too late, it already is!” she called back.
A little later, the boys were huddled in a circle at the lower ground counter.
“What do you think they’re going to do?” asked Anton worriedly.
“No idea,” I replied with a frown. “But if it’s Denise, it can’t be that bad.”
“Yeah. Yeah, you must be right,” said Anton, the slightly rotund casual scratching his wavy hair thoughtfully.
“What do you think, Dan?” I asked, looking up. However the tall, muscular figure had disappeared.
As Anton and I exchanged confused looks, but as we did so, the phone rang.
“Hi boys,” said Denise pleasantly. “I’ve got a customer on the line, an old woman who is looking for the Natural Treatments for Urinary Incontinence. The computer says we have one copy downstairs in the health section. Could you be a gentleman and fetch it up to the ground counter for me? I’d get it myself but Kimberly is up here with me and she doesn’t want me leaving the counter. Cheers, thanks, bye!”
As the young woman hung up the phone I’m fairy certain I heard Lana and Elaine giggling in the background.
“So there’s the prank,” I sighed. “To spend the rest of the night looking for a book that doesn’t exist.”
“It’s barely a prank, more of an annoyance,” replied Anton. “I’m willing to bet that the girls have already got a copy upstairs with them at the front desk.”
The two of us twisted our lips in annoyance and looked over at A&R’s Health and Relationships section.
We grudgingly began to sort through the books, and when the book was (unsurprisingly) not in its correct place, we groaned and began to look through the other part of the section to see if the text had been incorrectly shelved. Not the health part – the “relationships” part.
“Are you boys ogling the lewd books?” came a sharp voice from behind as, and I’ll admit a jumped back a little guiltily as I realized I was holding The Illustrated Guide to Tantric Massage.
Behind us stood Kimberly, her face red as a beetroot as she looked at the books in our hands.
“No, we’re looking for a book for a customer,” I started, waving my hands in protest until I remembered what book I was holding.
“You’re looking for something for those weed-fuelled orgies you young people have on weekends, aren’t you?” snapped the middle-aged manager, her white frizzy hair seeing to grow even more frazzled as she shook her head furiously.
“No, we’re looking for a book on incontinence!” replied Anton, as calmly as a young man could while holding a collector’s edition of the Karma Sutra.
Kimberley’s eyes narrowed in suspicion, but she simply snorted in disgust and walked away. As she did so, I saw the silhouettes of Lana, Elaine and Denise shaking with laughter as they stood by the stairs.
Anton and I flopped down despondently behind the lower ground counter.
“They got us,” I muttered, folding my arms on the table and resting my head..
“Yes, mate,” nodded Anton, patting me on the shoulder. “They got us.”
The tousle-haired music student and I started planning a prank in revenge, but honestly there was not much we could do to top what had just happened. However as we were halfway through a plot involving the label maker and the stuffed penguin, Lana, Elaine and Denise came rushing down the stairs.
“Chris! Anton!” said the tall, tawny-haired young woman breathlessly. “Do you have that book we asked about?”
“Give it a rest, Denise,” I replied. “You’ve already pulled that one.”
“No, really, we need that book!” Denise wailed, and rushed off the Health and Relationships section.
“What’s going on?” asked Anton in confusion.
“Remember the old woman who rang before?” replied Elaine, the beautiful casual employee shaking her head. “She rang back and spoke to Kimberly. It turns out her book was on order, and since we said there’s a copy in the store she’s coming in especially to collect it – she’s come down all the way from the country to pick this up tonight!”
“And how is this my problem?” I asked sweetly, enjoying the young woman’s discomfort.
“Please!” said Denise plaintively. “Lana and I have already gone through the storeroom upstairs, and Dan is looking at the back counter. Meanwhile Kimberly is furious that a customer is coming in for especially for a book that we can’t find! Help me out!”
“Fine,” I grumbled. “I’ll help you find your crappy book.”
As we split up and started searching through the shelves again, I heard Elaine lean over to whisper to Lana.
“Did he mean to make that joke?”
“What? Of course not. He’s not capable of thinking that far ahead.”
There was a certain amount of schadenfreude in watching the polite and mild-mannered Denise go back through the Health and Relationships section to see if there was anything I’d missed. However after a few minutes we heard Kimberly yell down the stairs.
“Hurry up you lot! I need you back serving customers, so find that book or I’ll send you all home!”
“Aaaargh, this is hopeless!” said Elaine, her perfect features creasing up in frustration. “We’ll never find it!”
“Come on,” said Denise tiredly. “There’s one more place we haven’t looked yet.”
With nothing better to do, the casual staff followed Denise up the stairs and made our way to the back counter, where sure enough Dan was lounging next to a computer with the phone crooked between his deltoids and his cheek.
“Oh, it’s all a misunderstanding, dearie,” he said, his voice sounding creaky and old. “Kimberley, was it? What a lovely name. Look, I think I didn’t make myself clear on my last call. I will come in for the book, but only when you have it back in stock.”
We all stood and looked at the athletic figure in amazement. Unfazed, Dan just grinned and kept speaking.
“No, don’t apologize,” he crooned. “I think you’re doing a wonderful job. No, really, it’s all ok. Goodbye, dearie!”
The assembled casual staff just stood there and looked at Dan in amazement as he put down the phone, deleted the order from the computer and appeared to notice us for the first time.
“Gotcha,” he said with a wink.
Several seconds passed as we tried to collect ourselves. The moment was broken when we heard a familiar voice screech from behind us.
“What are you all doing away from your stations? Forget the book, just get back to work!”
As we scampered back to our counters, all we could hear was Dan’s laughter echoing through the store.
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